Parenting Characteristics of Abusive Men

Peace Corps

Batterers, like any other group, display a wide range of parenting styles; however, because they are abusive toward their partners, and the children are living under the same roof, there are many negative effects on the children. In addition to exposing his children to his domestic violence, the batterer will generally exhibit one or more of the following parenting styles, based in part on the work of Lundy Bancroft and Jay Silverman (2002), toward his children.

Authoritarianism

Authoritarian rule demands absolute and unquestioning obedience and this style accurately describes many batterers parenting style. It is very common for a batterer not to participate in the day-to-day care of the children; however, when he does decide to be involved, it will often be no more than “laying down the law” to the children and his partner. Rarely will he listen to any question or argument that challenges his absolute control over everyone else in the family. Extensive research has found that batterers are more likely to get angry with their children, use physical punishment (particularly with sons), and swing between violent responses and not caring at all what the children do or what happens to them. Authoritarian discipline allows a batterer to enjoy the public benefits of being a parent without bothering himself with the hard work of raising children and is in keeping with his view of people as his possessions. Sadly, it’s a short walk from authoritarianism to abusiveness and neglect.

Neglect

Neglectfulness is commonly associated with authoritarianism. Neglectful batterers can’t be bothered to remember birth dates, names of schools, doctors, friends, or much of anything else that concerns their children: the day-to-day care and worry with the children is his partner’s responsibility. Batterers will purposely start arguments to have an excuse to stay away from home to avoid being pressured into any work with the children. These men never “see” the effects their violence and cruelty have on the children; they accept no responsibility for any negative consequences as a result of their choices and behavior. Yet, these same men are very quick to claim credit for anything important their children accomplish.

Undermining his partner

The act of battery is undermining; however, the subtle messages that the children are exposed to can be far more damaging. If the children hear and see a regular diet of insulting, degrading and hateful behavior directed toward their mother by their father, they may begin viewing her as their father does. Children see and hear their father’s horrible behavior one night and the next morning witness their father's loving and kind behavior (the honeymoon period) and their mother claiming that everything is fine: clearly cruelty has its rewards as far as the children can see. Many clients have related stories to us of how their abusers have encouraged and even rewarded the children when the children call their mother names, argue with her and in some cases physically assault her. Batterers commonly tell the children that their mother is a drunk or drug addict, insane, lazy, dirty, dangerous, ugly, stupid, sleeps around, that no one likes her and even that he may not be their real father. These tactics drive wedges between the children and their mother and often times result in unpleasant situations between them. To gain the father’s favor, the children often accept his views; after all, they have seen what happens when their mother disagrees with him and they aren’t likely to want to anger him further. He commonly rewards them for poor treatment of their mother. Tragically, much research has found that the most serious and long-lasting damage to these children is the damage the batterer does to the mother/child relationship.

It’s all about me

Batterers will not tolerate a crying baby, nor any other behavior, need, request, expectation or role that fails to acknowledge their superiority and entitlement within the household. The single most common time for battery to begin in a relationship is during the first pregnancy or shortly after the birth of the first child. Any attention the mother gives the child is attention she is not giving to him and this is unacceptable to most abusive men.

Babies in homes where the father is abusive to the mother are frequently colically, have eating and sleeping problems and are generally irritable and unhappy. Babies can be injured while in the mother’s arms when she is attacked by the batterer. Batterers are much more likely to throw, slam, punch, violently shake, or smother a crying infant.

Older children of batterers are often expected to anticipate and serve his needs, as well as to sympathize with his complaints of mistreatment by their mothers. It is fairly common for batterers to threaten to harm themselves as a way to manipulate the mother and children into not leaving him or to returning to him if they have fled. These are the men who are at high risk of killing their children and/or their partner if they decide they have no choice in order to maintain their entitlement.

Manipulation

Batterers are master manipulators. This type of mental abuse is frequently cited by our clients as the most painful of the cruelties that they have suffered at the hands of their abuser. Nothing is ever what it seems with these men, everything is twisted and turned to their advantage. Manipulation is sometimes referred to as “crazy-making” and it certainly deserves this title.

For example: batterers who stalk, monitor or constantly question their victim may, upon being confronted with their behavior, immediately accuse the victim of having a guilty conscious and demand to know what she’s been doing and with whom; or batterers who berate and demean their partner to the children, inciting ugly scenes between the mother and children and then cleverly stepping in and “laying down the law” to the mother on how to properly handle her children.

Manipulators generally accelerate their efforts when there is a separation. The best way to hurt and control his partner is to hurt and control her children.

What you see is not what you get

Batterers are generally quite skilled at “performing.” The “Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde” syndrome that you may have heard of in reference to abusive men refers to the ability to be two different people depending on where he is and who may be watching. Behind closed doors with his family, a batterer is quite capable of being a monster, while in public, he is equally capable of being charming and delightful; small wonder that so many people, including judges and child protective workers, have such difficulty believing that this charming man can be a monster. Additionally, the batterer’s smooth act tends to be horribly frustrating to his partner. She is well aware that he is deceiving all those who are observing and that his act will serve to reinforce the impression he encourages with others that she is the one who is unstable. The batterer is extremely good in acting like the concerned, involved father with child protective workers and judges.

“An average-length 1-2 hour supervised visit will generally not require many of the skills nor the capacity for focusing on the children’s needs that are called for in day-to-day parenting, so the weaknesses in a batterer’s parenting may not be evident to professionals performing observations. It can be helpful to evaluators to be aware of children’s typical reactions to participating in professionally observed interactions with the batterer. Children who live with abuse or with exposure to abuse may develop an acute awareness of which kinds of situations represent greater danger and may learn to read intuitively the shifts in the abuser’s mood or attitude. For some children, their most positive memories involving the abusive parent may involve times of being in public or in social situations: batterers can sometimes exhibit their most charming and humorous behaviors while being observed and thereby elicit a happy, enthusiastic response from their children, they may be hungry for this quality of interaction with their father.”

Bancroft & Silverman, 2002

Information obtained in part from: The Batterer as Parent by Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman

For additional information please see:

• Crisis Connection Statistics
• Effects of an Abusive Man on His Children
• The Generational Cycle of Violence
• What’s It Like to be Partnered with an Abusive Man?
• Tactics of Abusive Men
• Why Does He Stay and Demand that She Stay?
• Why do some women, who have been abused by their partner, return to these men?
• Possible Consequences of Choosing to Remain in a Relationship with an Abusive Man
• What Are Your Options?
• Abuse of Children Wheel
• Nurturing Children Wheel
• How to Help a Child
• Making a Difference…One Life at a Time
• Speakers Available