Why Does He Stay and Demand She Stay?

If life is as miserable for the abusive man as it is for his partner and it certainly seems so, why doesn’t he leave? Why do the majority of abusive men go to extreme lengths to stop their partner from leaving even though they believe they must go to these extreme lengths to keep her under their power and control?

Emotional Dependence:

• Many men who batter are immature and expect their partner to meet all of their emotional needs for love, security, happiness, nurturing, etc., in the same way their mother met (or didn’t) those needs for him as a child.
• Many abusive men claim that love keeps them in the relationship. Their definition of love may include possession, discipline, and control and not be the same at all as what love means to most people.
  
  Many abusive men feel their life without their partner would be intolerable: she generally does care for him as if he were a child. They may conceal their feelings of dependence with childish (not unlike a temper tantrum) aggression and controlling tactics in an effort to intimidate her into staying. He may also believe that showing any human need with his partner is contrary to his immature macho perception of himself.

Fear:

• Fear that he will lose control of his partner if he doesn’t maintain rigid control;
• Fear that others will find out what has been going on behind closed doors;
• Fear of losing his perceived status within his community or circle of friends;
• Fear of losing custody of his children if his behavior is exposed; and
• Fear of making any changes in his behavior, or even considering that change might be desirerable.
  

Financial Reasons:

Generally the abusive man is the primary wage earner, or will at a minimum have control over all money in the family. If he is out of the home (whether by choice or by court order), he will be ordered to pay emergency maintenance and child support in addition to maintaining himself; he will not be at all happy about this.

Guilt and Denial:

Abusive men often feel guilty because they cognitively know their behavior is unacceptable but will nearly always minimize their abuse: “I didn’t really hurt her,” “I did not use my fist,” “She knows I didn’t mean it,” “She took it too seriously,” “She started it.” If his partner eventually leaves because of his abuse, he will have to face (on some level) his behavior; denial will no longer work or be a viable option.

Isolation:

Abusive men frequently try to hide their violence by staying away from others. He may also spend a great deal of time trying to control his partner’s actions leaving himself little time to cultivate friendships of his own. The more isolated they both become, the more he may demand and expect of her.

Embarrassment and Shame:

Abusive men often believe that if they don’t control their partner they will be perceived as “whipped”. If his partner leaves, everyone will see that she is out from under his control. Additionally, if the batterer is no longer controlling his partner, she is free to tell anyone about his behavior. Men who enjoy a high status or visibility within a community are particularly concerned about their image.

Children:

Men who abuse very often strongly believe that children must have a mother and father in the home although abusive men rarely assist in the day-to-day care of the children. Abusive men nearly always believe that their children will be emotionally damaged if they are not allowed to spend a great deal of time with their fathers; however, these same men never recognize the damage they cause their children by their daily abuse of their mother. Abusive men tend to be extremely possessive of their children, claiming that a birth certificate is a certificate of ownership and that no one is ever going to take his kids away from him, especially their mother.

Hope:

Often the batterer hopes that his partner will change and allow him the control he feels he deserves and certainly wants. Is she would just do what he wants, said, demanded, then there would be no problem. Batterers rarely have sufficient insight to realize that they are destroying the relationship with their own need for power and control.

Information obtained in part from:

For additional information please see:

• Crisis Connection Statistics
• What is Stalking?
• Are You Being Stalked?
  
  Domestic Violence Stalking: Time to Act
• Cell Phone Harassment
• Internet Safety
• What’s It Like to be Partnered with an Abusive Man?
• Tactics of Abusive Men
• How Dangerous Is He?
• Why do some women, who have been abused by their partner, return to these men?
• What Are Your Options
• Possible Consequences of Choosing to Remain in a Relationship with an Abusive Man
• Stages of Leaving an Abusive Man
• Coping with Relationship Grief
• Making a Difference…One Life at a Time
• Speakers Available