F.A.Q. Answers

Why do men have to pay for Batterer’s Intervention, but women don’t have to pay for their group?

Answer

If the Batterer’s Intervention Program you are referred/ordered to is facilitated by an agency that provides services to the victims of domestic and sexual violence, their funders (the sources of their money to operate) will not cover services for abusers.

Women’s support groups are generally facilitated by not-for-profit, social service agencies that are funded by grants and donations (they receive no direct government funding). These grants are "awarded" for very specific work with victims only.

A man who has been arrested for domestic or sexual violence (or has been referred to Batterer’s Intervention by an attorney, the Prosecutor, the Department of Children’s Services, or is self-referred) is not viewed as a victim by any of these funding sources.

Many men who enter the Batterer’s Intervention Program view themselves as victims. Their definition of the word victim has expanded to include being held accountable for something she did, or she caused, or she said, or she…you can fill in the blank. However, neither the criminal justice system, the funders of social service agencies nor any Batterer’s Intervention Program will accept the definition that choosing to be violent = being a victim.

Batterer’s programs will not be free of charge because they cannot be funded by grants (for victims only) so must be self-sufficient through the fees that are charged to the participants. Most private insurance companies likewise do not cover the expense of a batterer’s intervention program because they too view battery as a choice that the abuser made, much like elective surgery is a choice. A third party rarely finances choices.

For additional information please see:

• How We Are Funded

Violence is always a choice.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about women who abuse men?

Answer

There is relatively little conversation about women’s abuse of men (compared to men’s violence against women) because it is the exception to the rule: heterosexual ("straight") men perpetrate 80-95% of all domestic and sexual violence against heterosexual ("straight") women throughout the world.

There are a few studies that have found that women are as likely to hit as men; however, these same studies were quick to point out that when you look at who gets "hurt" the story changes. 90% of "injuries" were inflicted by men on women and in 100% of the cases studied, the women’s injuries were more severe than the men’s.

The criminal justice system as well as the programs that work with victims and perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence define abuse as willful and purposeful behaviors that cause or result in physical injury to another and/or verbal threats or purposeful behavior that would cause a reasonable person to fear for their physical safety or life (example: telling someone you are going to kill them or stalking them).

The legal definition of illegal abuse does not include verbal or physical behaviors that are defined as self-defense or merely bothersome or even insulting. However, some of the "legal" tactics certainly can be very abusive over time, but not illegal.

Regardless of whose abuse of another we discuss, the definition of domestic violence does not include:

"I told her…"

"She pushed me until I snapped."

"She’s not going to tell me what to do!"

"I’m sick and tired of her nagging."

Self-serving definitions of abuse like the above generally serve no useful purpose other than to attempt to justify an abuser’s choice to do as s/he chooses and to then refuse to accept any responsibility for those choices.

Violence is always a choice.

Question

Why does the criminal justice system (law enforcement, prosecutor, judge) only listen to one side of the story: her side?

Answer

The "system" hears the facts as the defense and the prosecution present them.

Law enforcement officers in Indiana make an arrest only when there is probable cause to believe that a crime has been committed or when they actually witness a crime being committed. Based on the evidence (from their investigation) the officers bring to the Prosecutor of the county where the alleged crime was committed, the Prosecutor will determine (according to the law) whether there is sufficient evidence (cause) for the State to move forward with charges and exactly what those charges will be.

If the Prosecutor moves forward with the case and files formal charges, there will be a preliminary hearing where the defendant (alleged perpetrator) appears before the Court (Judge). The Judge will read the defendant the formal charges, set bail, the next hearing date, and enter a plea of not guilty on behalf of the defendant.

The defendant may insist that he be allowed to plead guilty at the preliminary hearing, but he will do so against the advice of the Court and with a very complete explanation by the Judge of what his rights are. A defendant in the United States is always presumed innocent until proven guilty or until he pleads to a charge. There is no attempt by the State to prove a defendant’s innocence or guilt during a preliminary hearing.

You will have noticed during the above explanation that the State (Prosecutor and Judge) decides whether there is sufficient evidence (probable cause) for the State to proceed with charges. The alleged victim never decides whether or not charges are filed against the alleged defendant. This determination rests solely with the State and is based totally on probable cause. Only the State can bring charges and only the State can drop charges. The State can proceed with charges even if the alleged victim is uncooperative with the prosecution or has requested that the charges be dropped. Please remember, an arrest is based on probable cause.

If the State proceeds with formal charges and the defendant chooses not to plead, there will be further hearings and eventually a trial where the defendant can be represented by counsel (a lawyer) or may choose to represent himself.

Complaints that the "system" only listens to one side are inaccurate. The U.S. criminal justice system goes to great pains to protect defendant’s rights.

Violence is always a choice.

Question

I have an anger problem, but you’re telling me that anger has nothing to do with this, how can you say that?

Answer

Anger is a very misunderstood emotion. Many of us tend to lump any number of behaviors into the anger heap; but, anger is not a behavior, it is an emotion.

Everyone experiences anger from time-to-time. Many times this emotion is understandable and sometimes even appropriate. Anger in and of itself is not bad although what some people choose to do with their feelings of anger can be very hurtful and destructive to themselves and others.

People generally do a very good job controlling their "anger." Consider the following example:

Do you punch him? Shove him? Kick him? Slam him against a wall? Call him filthy names? Threaten to kill him if he doesn’t shut up?

You are very angry but you probably won’t do any of these things to your boss. Why not?

Who do you lose your temper with? If you are selective about when you allow your "anger control problem" to overcome you, you don’t have an anger control problem. You have a power and control problem. If you aren’t treating everyone the same when you are "angry" then you don’t have an anger issue, you are abusive, and you have a power and control issue.

Anger management is extremely inappropriate for domestic abusers if it is the only treatment/counseling the abuser will be receiving. Anger management does not address the motivating factors that result in the perpetration of domestic violence. Learning to reduce stress and manage anger does not reduce a batterer’s belief that power and control over a partner is inappropriate nor will it challenge a batterer’s willingness to use violence to enforce these beliefs when necessary. Anger management alone is ineffective in dealing with domestic abusers because anger is not at the root of domestic violence, the desire for power and control is.

For additional information please see:

• What is the Batterer’s Intervention Program?

Violence is always a choice.

Question

What’s the big deal about what I say and even how I say it?

Answer

Words are very powerful and very revealing about the way a person truly feels, what they truly believe, and very often what they plan to do. We absolutely believe that everyone must be held accountable and responsible for not only what they choose to do, but also what they choose to say to another.

Domestic batterers always use verbal and emotional abuse. These tactics are critical in dehumanizing and gaining power and control over another. Some abusive men never progress into physical and/or sexual abuse of their partner, many do. Either way, what a man says and how and when he says it are clear indicators of his mindset.

The following are examples of ways Crisis Connection, Inc. and the Batterer’s Intervention Program rephrase common statements batterers use concerning their choice to be violent:

She provoked me.
You made a choice.

I have an anger control issue.
You chose to use violence to attain power and control over your partner.

We have a violent relationship.
You are the violent person in the relationship.

We fight and argue sometimes.
Everyone disagrees from time to time, but you chose to be violent in order to get your way.

Here’s another example, consider the following newspaper headline about a homicide/suicide in Sheridan, Oregon, it read:

"Couple leaves behind two small children"

To read the words, one might assume that the woman made a decision to abandon her children. In reality, her husband murdered this woman. A more accurate headline would have read:

"Husband beats wife to death"

This woman did NOT abandon her children, he murdered her.

"Every nine seconds a woman is beaten in the U.S."
"Every nine seconds a man beats a woman in the U.S."

"Why does she stay?"
"Why does he batter?"

The terms violent relationship and family violence suggest a relationship problem or that everyone in the family is violent. These terms miss the truth, and they miss the opportunity to make it clear that one man is making the choice to be violent to a woman or a family. It’s all about choices, responsibility and accountability for yourself

We believe it is very important to listen to everything abusive men say, how they say it, and when they say it. No man in our class has ever been able to say, "They never listen to what I say." We listen…very carefully.

When push comes to shove
Adding insult to injury
Hitting on an idea
Deadbeat
Take a stab at it
Shot in the dark
Push over
To be brutally honest
Soften the blow
Beats me
That really bombed
Pushed over the edge
Blown away
Killer smile
Kick the bucket
Set the world on fire
Pick your battles
That really burned me
Overkill
Kicking around an idea
Get away with murder
Killing time
Punch line
If looks could kill
That kills me
Roll with the punches
Jumped the gun
Kick in the pants
Bite the bullet
The beaten path
Hit the road
That slays me
Twist your arm
Break a leg
Broken heart
Breaks my heart
Killing me softly
Knocked up
Hit up
At the end of my rope
The straw that broke the camel’s back
Shoot from the hip
Straight shooter
Shoot yourself in the foot
Blow up in your face
She's a real pistol, that one
Give it a shot
Take a shot at it
Something to shoot for
Right on target
Need more ammunition
Bullet points
Take your best shot
Shot in the dark
Shoot off your mouth
Gun shy
Gunning for trouble
Under the gun
Whole shootin' match
Shoot the breeze
Son of a gun
Shooting holes in the argument
Armed with the facts
Drop dead gorgeous
Gun the engine
Hired gun
Shooting blind
Shooting blanks
Shooting ducks in a barrel
You slay me
Ride shotgun
Traffic was murder
Moving target
Do a drive by
Bring out the big guns
Went in with guns blazin'
Keep your powder dry
Hair-trigger temper
Explosive temper
Straight shot
Set your sights on the prize
Locked and loaded
Bang for your buck
Loose cannon
Rally the troops
Join the battle
On your radar screen
Leading the charge
Had a blast
He/she's dynamite
Going ballistic
Old habits die-hard

Adapted from: http://www.mvwcs.com

Violence is always a choice.

Question

How can I be expected to change if she won’t?

Answer

To abuse another human being is a choice that a person makes. Every one of us is responsible for the choices we make. Some of our choices are good and some are bad and may result in injury, destroyed relationships and even arrest. In order to change yourself, you must first accept responsibility for yourself, your choices and your behavior.

No one else can make you do anything that you have decided you will not do. There is always a choice. No one has the power to control your brain and force you to do something you are totally opposed to. The energy you waste attempting to figure out how you can blame another for your behavior is precious energy that could and should be spent making positive changes in yourself.

If your partner is behaving in a way that you find impossible to live with, leave the relationship before you allow yourself to behave in a way that you are opposed to. Whether someone else changes or not is definitely not a satisfactory reason for you to choose to be a violent person.

For additional information please see:

• No "BUT" About It
• Rules for "Fair" Fighting
• Making Choices
• Assertiveness v. Aggression

Violence is always a choice.

Question

How can she say I’m not a good Dad when I’ve never hit my kids?

Answer

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are at high risk for suffering physical abuse themselves. Regardless of whether children are physically abused, the emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma of being a victim of child abuse themselves. Each year, an estimated minimum of 3.3 million children witness domestic violence.

• Eventually, children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate1500% higher than the national average in the general population.
• Research results suggest that battering is the single most common factor among mothers of abused children.
• A major study of more than 900 children at battered women's shelters found that nearly 70% of the children were themselves victims of physical abuse or neglect. Nearly half of the children had been physically or sexually abused. Five percent had been hospitalized due to the abuse. However, only 20% had been identified and served by Child Protective Services prior to coming to the shelter. The same study found that it was the male batterer who most often abused the children, and only in a few instances was it the mother alone.
• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly"
• Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
• Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse and juvenile delinquency.
• Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mother.
• Children are present in 41-55% of homes where police intervene in domestic violence calls.
• The vast majority of abused women who use shelter services bring their children. In one study, 72% of the women brought children to the shelter; 21% were accompanied by three or more children.
• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
• Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.
• Approximately 15 states have passed legislation recognizing that domestic violence should affect child custody hearings.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. There is no evidence, however, that girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.

Some of the emotional effects of domestic violence on children include:

• Taking responsibility for the abuse by blaming themselves.
• Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.
• Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.
• Low self-esteem.

Adapted from: http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/kids.htm

For additional information please see:

• The Generational Cycle of Violence
• Children Coping Wheel
• The Effects of an Abusive Man on His Children
• No "BUT" About It

Violence is always a choice.

Question

Okay, so maybe something did happen, but I had been drinking and she knows how I get, so why am I here?

Answer

Many studies show a high rate of alcohol abuse among men who batter their female partners. Yet, no evidence supports a cause-and-effect relationship between the two problems. The relatively high incidence of alcohol abuse among men who batter must be viewed as the overlap of two widespread problems.

Efforts to link alcohol abuse and domestic violence reflect society's tendency to view battering as an individual deviant (not normal) behavior. Moreover, there is a reluctance to believe that domestic violence is a pervasive criminal problem that happens among all kinds of American families. For these reasons, it is essential to emphasize what is known about the relationship between alcohol abuse and domestic violence.

• Battering is a socially learned behavior, and is not the result of substance abuse or mental illness. Men who batter frequently use alcohol abuse as an excuse for their violence. They attempt to rid themselves of responsibility for the problem by blaming it on the effects of alcohol.
• Many men who batter do not drink heavily and many alcoholics do not beat their partners. Some abusers with alcohol problems batter when drunk and others when they are sober. For example, Walker's (1984) study of 400 battered women found that 67% of batterers frequently abused alcohol; however, only one-fifth had abused alcohol during all battering incidents on which data was collected. The study also revealed a high rate of alcohol abuse among non-batterers.
• In one batterers' program, 80% of the men had abused alcohol at the time of the latest battering incident. The vast majority of men, however, also reportedly battered their partners when not under the influence of alcohol.
• Data on the concurrence of domestic violence and alcohol abuse vary widely, from as low as 25% to as high as 80% of cases.
• Alcoholism and battering do share some similar characteristics, including:

both may be passed from generation to generation
both involve denial or minimization of the problem
both involve isolation of the family.

• A battering incident that is coupled with alcohol abuse may be more severe and result in greater injury.
• Alcoholism treatment does not "cure" battering behavior; both problems must be addressed separately. However, provisions for the woman's safety must take precedence.
• A small percent (7% to 14%) of battered women have alcohol abuse problems, which is no more than that found in the general female population. A woman's substance abuse problems do not relate to the cause of her abuse, although some women may turn to alcohol and other drugs in response to the abuse. To become independent and live free from violence, women should receive assistance for substance abuse problems in addition to other supportive services.
• Men living with women who have alcohol abuse problems often try to justify their violence as a way to control them when they're drunk. A woman's failure to remain substance-free is never an excuse for the abuser's violence.

With the possible exceptions of methamphetamines and anabolic steroids, no substance causes an otherwise non-violent person to become violent. Drugs and alcohol are great excuses and they can certainly lower inhibitions but they do not totally change the person you are. If you are mean when you are drunk or high, you are only releasing what is already there.

If you are still convinced that your substance abusing is causing you to be violent, then quit. Get help with your substance abusing and become the person you believe you really are. Don’t make excuses, make a plan to stop and get the help and support you will need to fulfill your decision to stop substance abusing.

If she’s supposed to know how you get when you have been drinking, doesn’t it also follow that you probably know how you allow yourself to behave when you have been drinking? It’s all about choices, accountability and responsibility.

Do it for yourself. Your partner isn’t responsible for your choices, you are. You are here because you made choices that you are responsible for.

Adapted from: http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/alcohol.htm

For additional information please see:

• Yoho County Probation Department

Violence is always a choice.

Question

She knows how to push my buttons. I’ve told her and told her to back off, but she pushes until I snap. So, I’m arrested? Now does this work?

'Buttons & Keys'

Answer

It will be helpful to refer to the Power & Control Wheel in answering this question. The statement, "she pushed my buttons" falls within three categories on the wheel: male privilege, coercion/ threats, and intimidation. The statement implies that you believe that your word is law (male privilege) and that by "telling her and telling her" you are warning your partner of harm if she fails to see the situation as you do (coercion/ threats and intimidating).

You are demonstrating classic denial behavior. Denial is a form of emotional abuse and is commonly used by abusive men to break down their partner, to minimize her and to instill fear in her. Denial comes in three forms: absolute denial ("nothing's wrong!"); minimizing ("well, something's wrong, but it's not as bad as you say"); and blaming ("there's something wrong, but it's her fault: if she would just stop pushing my buttons everything would be fine.") You are also using "tunnel vision" by very narrowly focusing on a view of reality that does not allow competing points of view. This statement is self-centered by defining everything as "for or against" you. In this frame of mind, a person respects no one's personal space or boundaries. This shows up often times as "either/ or" statements, as in "either you love me and do what I say, or whatever happens next will be your fault."

You’re not taking any ownership for your choice to threaten another. You appear to be expecting your partner to read your mind by demanding she know what your "buttons" are today. You are describing yourself as if you see yourself as a victim because someone "pushed your buttons." You seem to be saying that warning someone over and over again is sufficient excuse for you choosing violence in response to someone not accepting your word as law. You have presented yourself as totally passive meaning that some terrible person just keeps doing things to you and then forces you do things (to them!) you would never do on your own.

If you are truly interested in making meaningful changes in yourself, you need to start with "I" statements. I did, I said, I chose, I reacted, I decided… I am responsible for me. Change is impossible as long as you continue to blame another for your choices and behavior. Your partner is not responsible for you and likewise, you are not responsible for her (Equality Wheel). Each of you is responsible for your own lives. You must be the change you wish to see.

The following list illustrates several other methods abusive people commonly use in exerting power and control over another:

• threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
• destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
• violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
• yelling or screaming
• name-calling
• constant harassment
• embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
• criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals
• not trusting the victim’s decision-making
• telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
• excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
• excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
• blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
• making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to "teach them a lesson"
• making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship

Violence is always a choice.

Question

She knows I need some space when I get home from work. I’ve worked all day while she sat at home. How can she expect me to baby-sit the kids?

Answer

"…while she sat at home."

Being a stay-at-home parent means no salary,

Being on duty - or at least on call - 24 hours a day,

No sick days,

Won't have a lot of adult interaction, and

Many stay-at-home moms are on the job upwards of 100 hours a week.

Stay-at-home mothers wear many hats. They're the family CEO, the day care provider, accountant, chauffeur, counselor, chef, nurse, laundress, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator. Based on a 100-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be $131,471 for executing all of her daily tasks.

Salary.com

"…expect me to baby-sit the kids."

Although most mothers work outside of the home, comparatively few fathers are equally involved in the domestic labor. Women tend to perform the majority of housework and childcare, and are often responsible for supervising tasks and making sure that everything gets done.

Nonetheless, there has been a small increase in men's participation in domestic labor over the years. Mothers and fathers who equally share childcare tasks generally perform similar parenting activities. Also, men who share childcare responsibilities tend to demonstrate better communication and listening skills compared to other men. Egalitarian (equal) arrangements are positively related to the quality of couples' relationships. Marital communication and satisfaction, in turn, affect the quality of parent/ child interactions and are related to positive experiences among children. Thus, mothers' and fathers' division of housework and childcare has potentially important implications for the quality of parenting that children experience as well as the types of gender roles they observe.

Adapted from: http://www.looksmart.com "The relation between mothers' and fathers' parenting styles and their division of labor in the home: young adults' retrospective reports" Laura Sabattini

Baby-sitting is supervising someone else’s children for a limited amount time for a specific purpose. Parenting your own children is not baby-sitting.

Parenting children is hard, non-ending work for both parents. To help create a healthy home for children includes hands-on time every day. Raising children and being a real Dad is definitely not women’s work, it is parent’s work: day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. Being a good parent is certainly not a part-time effort for the uncommitted (Nurturing Children Wheel).

"…I need some space"

What exactly does space mean? Being in your home with your family doesn’t count as space? Families aren’t about one individual, families are about the group. It is very difficult to be selfish and a good parent at the same time. Children demand a lot of effort and attention. They are full of energy and have tons of questions. Children go one hundred miles an hour whenever they aren’t asleep. Children learn from what they see and hear their parents do. If a parent complains, gets angry, slams out of the house, or refuses to be with their own children, the message to the child is extremely destructive (Children Coping Wheel).

Many couples benefit from a "parent’s night out" once a week or month depending on the household budget. Hire a real baby-sitter and go out as a couple for dinner, a movie, or to visit friends, and enjoy some space together out of your house and away from your children for a few hours. A "parent’s night out" can do wonders for stressed-out parents and their children.

For additional information please see

• The Generational Cycle of Violence
• The Effects of an Abusive Man on his Children

Violence is always a choice.

Question

Even if some of what you’ve said is true, why bother to take Batterer’s Intervention classes if she’s going to leave me anyway?

Answer

The purpose of most criminal justice system interventions for domestic violence is to hold the perpetrator accountable for his actions. These interventions, however, are only a temporary solution to the problem. Even if a perpetrator receives jail time, his victim may not be any safer when he is released and may be at greater risk of harm. The most effective protection against violence is to prevent it from occurring in the first instance. Several batterers’ intervention programs have been developed in the United States and Western Europe. Organizations are working with the male perpetrators of domestic violence in batterer’s treatment groups in an effort to influence their future behavior.

Although some batterers may express regret about their actions, they also received mixed messages from society that may support their abuse of women. A batterer’s intervention group provides a social network of others who support nonviolent behavior.

The group format provides men with a variety of models and resources to learn how to interact differently with their partners and change their behavior. Taking part in a group treatment program may also help batterers to decrease their dependence on their partners, and reduce some of the shame that may come from discussing their abusive behaviors for them to be more forthcoming about their actions. Although batterers’ treatment programs often take place in a group counseling setting, individual therapy may also be necessary, or helpful, for many of the men.

For more information please see:

• What is Batterer’s Intervention?
• Being Supportive

Violence is always a choice.