Understanding Rape

NISAA Institute for Women's Development

It is never OK to force yourself on a woman, even if:

• You think she was teasing you or leading you on;
• She says "no" and you think she means "yes";
• You have had sex with her before;
• You have paid for her dinner or given her expensive gifts;
• You think women enjoy being forced to have sex or want to be "persuaded"; or
• The woman is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Rape is a crime of violence. It is motivated primarily by the desire to control and dominate, rather than by sex. It is illegal.

If you are hearing a "double message" from a woman, speak up and clarify what she wants. If you find yourself in a situation with a woman who is unsure about having sex or is saying "no," back off. Suggest talking about it.

Do not assume you know what your partner wants; check out your assumptions.

Be sensitive to women who are unsure whether they want to have sex. If you put pressure on them, you may be forcing them.

Stay in touch with your sexual desires. Ask yourself if you are really hearing what she wants, or only what you want. Do not let your desires control your actions.

Communicate your sexual desires honestly and as early as possible.

If you have any doubts about what your partner wants, STOP, ASK, and CLARIFY.

Your desires may be beyond your control, but your ACTIONS ARE NOT! Sexual excitement does not justify forced sex.

Do not assume her desire for affection is the same desire for intercourse.

Not having sex or not "scoring" does not mean you are not a "real man." It is OK not to "score."

A woman who turns you down for sex is not necessarily rejecting you as a person; she is expressing her decision not to participate in a single act at that time.

NO ONE ASKS TO BE RAPED. No matter how a woman behaves, she does not deserve to have her body used in ways she does not consent to.

"No" means no. If you do not accept a woman’s "no," you might risk raping someone whom you thought meant "yes."

Taking sexual advantage of a person who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent (for example, drunk) is rape. If a woman has had too much to drink and has passed out, or is not in control of herself, having sex with her is rape. The fact that you were intoxicated or drugged is not a legal defense to rape. You are responsible for all of your actions, whether you are sober or not.

Be aware that a man’s size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman. Many victims report that the fear they felt based on a man’s size and presence was the reason they did not fight back or struggle.

Men can be victims of rape (in Indiana sodomy is prosecuted as criminal deviate behavior, not rape) and have the same rights to counseling and legal action as women do.

Violence is always a choice.