If You're Living in a Violent Home: A Guide for Teens

Every family has trouble getting along every now and then. It is OK for people in a family to get upset with each other. But, it is NEVER OK for people in a family to abuse each other. Abuse can happen when there is hitting, slapping, or kicking. Abuse can also happen when family members are put down or touched in wrong ways. Families should not have to live with abuse and violence. If your family has trouble, you are not alone.

A wise older lady once said, "You didn't cause their problem, there is nothing you can do to fix it." Keep this little phrase in your heart, and use it anytime it fits -- friends that dump you for no reason and relatives who get angry with each other. No one deserves to be abused – ever. It is never your fault.

Everyone reacts differently … It’s OK to cry, it’s OK not to cry. There is no right or wrong way to react as long as you process your feelings in non-harmful ways. Violence is never the solution. Healing and recovery are a process…let the healing begin.

You may feel uncomfortable, miserable or heart-broken. You may even feel guilty for not being able to prevent the violence.

Other negative effects may include:

Shock and disbelief: Find someone who you can talk with confidentially. Professional advocates can be very helpful. Write a letter about the situation and throw it away. Draw pictures. Work out, swim, or take a brisk walk.

Rage and helplessness: It is important to get help managing these feelings so that you do not express them in destructive ways. If you're upset or angry, try to find your cool. If you feel like you're so angry you could burst, go to your room and punch your pillow, go out and run a lap around the block, or find a place outside to hit a baseball. Or just find a quiet place and relax. Count to 10 and breathe slowly and deeply. When you're calm, try writing things out. Journaling can be a powerful tool. You probably will feel much better and more in control than you did before. It’s okay to feel anger toward others – it doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

Revenge fantasies: It may be tempting to engage in revenge fantasies against the person(s) who caused the trauma. This may only result in feeling guilty about your vengeful feelings. You cannot alter the situation. Revenge is not the answer.

Preoccupation with the violent events: Stay busy and don’t isolate yourself from friends. Find someone to talk to confidentially who understands your need to vent and release.

Loss of security and trust: Interpersonal violence can raise questions about this world and the people in it. Your world view may be severely rocked. It is not uncommon to question long-held religious and spiritual beliefs. Again, please get help to work this out. Avoid self-destructive habits such as unhealthy relationships, sexual activity, overmedicating, or overeating. Stay in school and work on keeping your grades up to par.

Sense of hopelessness: It takes the rain to make a rainbow! Tomorrow is a new day. Learn to be responsible for your own actions and accept the consequences. Planning for the future is crucial.

Avoidance of conflict: Conflict is not a bad thing in and of itself. Learn how to ‘fight fairly’ and resolve problems. Go to the library and read self-help books on coping effectively.

Sense of insecurity: You need to and have a right to feel safe. Below is a ‘safety plan’ tool that you may find helpful. There are safe places to go.

Safety Planning: Tips for Safety and Confidence

Don’t try to get in the middle of a fight. If the abuse is just starting, simply tell the abuser that his/her behavior is not acceptable and that you won’t put up with it.

Talk to a trusted adult about what’s happening. It may be more tempting to tell only a peer but adult guidance can truly be helpful in this case.

If you can get to a phone safely, call 911. Find a phone away from the fight and tell the dispatcher what is happening in your home.

Try not to get trapped in a small room, closet or the kitchen.

Be careful. If the abuse is ongoing and the abuser is accustomed to getting his/her way, you may risk more violence if you stand up for yourself. If you’re afraid this might happen, try to get support from an adult before you make a stand.

Don’t try it when you’re alone with the abuser, and be prepared to take the step of leaving in order to escape the abuse.

Remember that the abuse isn’t your fault. Don’t be ashamed to tell someone about the abuse. It’s not your fault it’s the abuser’s problem. Encourage him/her to get help.

Hurting yourself isn’t the answer. It’s normal to feel down when you’re being hurt. Some people who are being abused feel like suicide is the only real option. If you feel this way, it might be because you believe the abuser's put-downs or because you’re turning your anger on yourself. Use your anger instead to take care of yourself. There really are options and steps you can take to make things better for yourself. Praise yourself for what you do well, and have faith in your future.

Tell someone about the abuse. Sometimes just talking about the abuse can make you feel better. At other times, an adult or friend might have useful advice or be able to offer help.

Be careful with alcohol and drugs. Many people use alcohol and drugs to deal with tension or pain. Unfortunately, they’ll only drain your energy, keep you helpless, and affect your ability to think clearly. Try to avoid unhealthy substances altogether.

Relax and play. Relieving stress can improve your ability to communicate and make decisions. Physical activity can increase your sense of well-being. Regular exercise done with others can be fun, too.

Try to eat well. Your physical health affects the way you feel as well as your ability to cope with stress.

Save money and get some job skills. Knowing you have an emergency fund can help reduce your anxiety. If you have job skills, it’ll be easier to avoid depending on others to get by. Even if you can’t get a job or don’t need one, you can do volunteer work to gain skills and meet new people.

Look after yourself. You are a strong person, and you can grow stronger when you know you can make it on your own. When you’re ready to leave an abusive situation, know that help is there!

There are definitely people who care about you.

Additional Resources:

National Runaway Switchboard (1-800-RUNAWAY): They have a program that includes ‘Home Free’ which provides crisis intervention and a bus ticket home. You can check it out at www.nrscrisisline.org

Nineline, 1-800-999-9999: They have professionals who can help with many kinds of abuse from prejudice, neglect, survival sex, prostitution, or other crimes.

SAMHSA's National Mental Health Information Center: can provide help in finding a mental health professional. You can visit their website at www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov or call their toll-free number at 1-800- 789-2647 (Monday–Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., EST).

If you are feeling suicidal, it may help to talk to someone about your feelings and you can call the 24 hour Hopeline at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).

Know your local resources. To learn about domestic violence agencies in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

A Teen's Safety Plan

If you’re in an abusive situation, it’s important to think about how to keep yourself safe. Printing and filling out this safety plan can help you feel safe. Be sure to review it every so often with someone you trust, to keep the information useful and up-to-date.

My phone number (+area code): ______________________________________

Complete street address of where I live:

________________________________________________________________

The state police number: ___________________________________________

The county sheriff’s department number: _______________________________

The city police number: _____________________________________________

My mom’s work phone number: _______________________________________

My mom’s cell phone number: _______________________________________

My mom’s home number: ___________________________________________

My dad’s work phone number: _______________________________________

My dad’s cell phone number: ________________________________________

My dad’s pager number: ____________________________________________

My dad’s home number: ____________________________________________

My step mom’s number: ____________________________________________

My step dad’s number: ____________________________________________

My nearest neighbor’s phone number: ________________________________

My school phone number: ___________________________________________

My grandma or grandpa’s number: ____________________________________

My aunt or uncle’s number: __________________________________________

Another trusted adult’s number: ______________________________________
(i.e. Scout leader, Faith community member, 4-H leader, Big Brother or Big Sister, Coach, etc.)

I will get a small address book and carry it with me at all times. I will list the following people, agencies, shelters, hotlines, or other services in the book:

1._______________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________

4. ______________________________________________________________

When I get scared, I can think about:

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

When I am feeling down or afraid, I can talk to: _________________________

These are the safe exits from where I live: _____________________________

I will tell (name):__________________________________________________

and (name):___________________________ about the abuse and ask them to

help me if I use the code word or phrase _______________________________.

I will make a habit of leaving as often as possible, and go to: _______________

_______________________________________________________________.

I will use this excuse when I’m able or ready to get away from the situation.

I will leave before I think a situation will get violent. I usually know things are

getting violent when: _______________________________________________.

They may persuade me not to tell by: _________________________________.

I can get around this by: ____________________________________________.

If I decide to leave, I will get adult help and go to either of the following places that are unknown to my abuser:

1.__________________________________________________

2.__________________________________________________

I will keep the following items in a bag that is ready to go (circle those that apply):

keys address book driver’s license
identification passport school records
social security card resident card spare change
immigration papers current unpaid bills pager
bus tokens small amount of cash personal items
check book spare clothes rent papers
insurance papers prescriptions/medicines
special photos restraining/protection orders

(For teens with children: formula and bottle, diapers, birth certificate, child’s medical records, spare clothes for child, child’s favorite toys)

If I leave to the custody of another adult, I will bring this bag, as well as:

________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________ with me.

I will keep spare items, supplies, copies of important papers, and: ___________

at (name):_____________________house in case I am unable to get my bag
before leaving.

I will review my safety plan on (date):______ with (name) _________________.

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